I am capable AF (7/17/22)

I knew that I was independent and capable of doing so much by myself. After all, I’ve been traveling the world mostly for the past five years, with my two dogs whether it be Raindrop and Flex or Raindrop and Cloud. Navigating the dog importation process with two dogs and ensuring that they fly in-cabin with me was very challenging at times. For example, when I was in Vietnam, I had to go to the Vietnam Airlines corporate office in downtown Ho Chi Minh City, without a translator and explain to the staff the medical reasons why I needed my dogs with me in-cabin. In 99%+ of the cases, I was able to bring my dogs with me in-cabin AND avoid all quarantines across the world.

Today, was another example of the independence that I was forced to display. I woke up today with intense pain in my left foot, and unexpectedly, intense pain in my right ankle. When I woke up, I tried to stand up, but after putting both feet on the ground I knew there was a problem. I was fully immobilized. To make matters worse, my right knee remains swollen and stiff meaning I couldn’t even crawl on all fours if I wanted.  The solution was to sit on my ass and scoot outside of my apartment to the nearest curb where security was waiting for me to drive me to my car about 100 feet away. It has gotten to the point where I can’t even walk to my car so that I could drive myself to the pharmacy to get my drugs.

Eventually I did make it to my car and when I drove to the pharmacy they were unable to fill the prescription because I could not present an ID.  Why you may ask? Well yesterday on the way out of the emergency room somewhere between the ER, the bathroom, the lobby, or the valet, my wallet fell out of my pocket and a fellow patient must have picked it up and not returned it. I know for a fact that I had my wallet with me because I used it when I checked into the hospital to present my insurance cards and I used it when I was in the ER to answer some additional questions with the staff. Losing my wallet amongst all of this medical chaos has been an absolute nightmare.

Yesterday after my discharge, I went to IHOP to have breakfast for dinner. When I went to pay using my Apple Pay, the restaurant told me they no longer accepted it. Once again I was forced to troubleshoot. The solution I came up with was to go into the IHOP app, re-create the order that I just ate at the restaurant, and pay for it using my dad‘s credit card information as if it was a pick-up order. This solution worked for the restaurant and I was able to avoid cleaning dishes in the back (a joke that the manager made). 

This experience has been a string of unforeseen instances, many of which are out of my control. Despite being on dialysis, and it being very effective in cleaning my blood, there are still physical side effects that my body is trying to figure out and handle. I do find myself being confused more often, forgetting words, or switching words out loud. I’m also very tired and fatigued when I’m on drugs that are necessary to mitigate the pain. Oxycodone is one hell of a trip. Despite my injured, unhealthy, and fatigued state, I now have to get up to limp over to my makeshift kitchen and make myself some food.  None of this is easy, but like always, I’ll get the job done.

Prior to my diagnosis, I defined independence as living out of hotels, airbnbs, not knowing what country (or woman) I’ll wake up in the next day, never setting an alarm clock, never having to ask for a vacation day, staying single so I had complete freedom on who I could hang out with without having to creep around, etc. Now I define independence as making it to the bathroom instead of pissing in a bucket next to my bed, cooking a meal instead of eating out, or just handling basic tasks that I never had to handle before.

My new life sucks compared to my old one but I just need to hang on as long as possible until a transplant is available.