My life is over (6/7/22)

My life is over and I begin a new one today.

There are moments in life that launch a new chapter. Sometimes you’re aware of it, sometimes you’re not.

For example, the day I decided to become a dog owner and met Raindrop Yorkie for the first time. Little did I know that would be the start of my longest relationship with a female to date. All kidding aside my life changed that day forever.

When my mom passed away on July 13, 2009, that too was a life-changing moment.

This is one of the most unwelcome life-changing moments I could have imagined. Did I make perfect decisions health-wise? No of course not. I ignored the doctor’s concerns in 2009 about my potential kidney issues, I probably drank too much, I didn’t have a clean diet. I did however focus on caloric intake, hydration, and weightlifting and striving to get my body fat below a certain percentage. Some would say I looked close to a “healthy individual.” Perhaps I made enough ”healthy” life choices to offset many bad ones and that’s why I’m still here. I’ll never know.

I can’t say things like “I took life for granted” because I haven’t in years. I quit a high-paying career and I opted to manage my money and invest in high(er) risk investments instead (which didn’t always work out) so I could prioritize “me-time” and traveling, 2 things I love more than working.

If this has taught me anything it’s surprisingly the opposite. Perhaps I should be slightly more productive with the time I have left as I achieved a life of freedom for the last 5 years. I’m not sure. Perhaps a better balance would be better.

I hate this situation. I absolutely hate this. When my mom died from cancer it was very visual and clear that her health was fading. The weight loss, the hair loss, the lack of appetite, the bloating, the mental confusion. It was not subtle like this:

My foot is swollen = your kidneys failed

I am thankful af for my blessings that I did not experience a slower or more obvious demise. I imagine that would be a far graver and more painful situation physically and mentally.

Another thought I had when I was first diagnosed was “at least I’ll see my mom again.” I guess that answers the question of whether or not I believe in some sort of afterlife.

After signing multiple documents outlining the risk of these procedures up to and including death, I looked at my dogs and thought “I’ll find you again.” They are my true soulmates. At that moment I missed Flex Shih Tzu beyond words and was excited to be reunited with Raindrop & Cloud.

I also need to give a special shout-out to Tara Anne, my bestie and wing girl. She has earned the title of “best friend” with flying colors. Her loyalty, watching my dogs (my most important possession), staying in the room as long as they’ll allow and grabbing things for me as needed will never be forgotten. Her family has also supported me in huge ways, by providing a roof over my head, feeding me meals, and giving me knowledge and advice on which hospital to go to. They have become a second family and it’s honor and privilege to call Marian Szczepanski “my other dad.”

All I can do at this point is take it “one day at a time” as the doctors say, and create more moments that I can look forward to, such as grabbing the limited time strawberry frosty from Wendy’s later today after they put a scope down my esophagus to look for internal bleeding. Should be a hoot!