Am I ok? (6/4/22)
A lot of people are reaching out. Thank you. The number one question I’m getting is “are you ok?” If you asked me a week ago, I would have said yes.
If I was able to forget for a moment the diagnosis that the doctor gave me yesterday, then the answer would also be yes. I feel great. Physically. I went to the gym today despite the news.
Mentally however I am a fucking mess. Being told your kidneys have failed and you need dialysis, basically that you’ll be dependent on a fucking machine to survive (both glorious and terrifying) is traumatizing. It’s exactly the outcome I wanted to avoid and the way I did that was by never going to the doctor or having my bloodwork taken.
But this gout attack was lasting 10 weeks and for most of it I had no idea what it was because normally they last 7-10 days. I had low quality of life limping around like an old man for 10 weeks trying to travel the world. I never assumed the diagnosis would be “failing kidneys.”
The doctor said I shouldn’t even be a functioning human with my level of kidney damage. He said I should be walking around in a constant state of nauseousness but my body has somehow overcompensated for it. I’m a medical miracle I guess and the silver lining is that I’m not nauseous. I have noticed that I get winded easily but I assumed that was from limping around for 10 weeks and losing my stamina. Perhaps it’s a combination of both.
I intend to start dialysis this week in NYC and I’m hoping all the working out and my relatively young age will provide the dialysis a great environment to do its job. If I feel this good with “toxic blood,” imagine how good I will feel when my blood has been cleansed!